IDENTITY CRISIS: MY STORY, GOD’S GLORY

After I wrote my third book, “there was a girl”, I knew there was more, but I was not ready. I was not ready to be vulnerable. I was not ready to share my deepest secrets with strangers. I started writing Identity crisis in 2020, but I closed it because I was scared.

When Papa spoke to me about sharing my story, I argued and gave him all the reasons I should not write this book. Like the loving father that he is, he let me be, but the problem was that I was not feeling satisfied. I felt like I had lost a sense of purpose and was doing things on my own.

I could be a very stubborn girl, but Papa has been teaching me, and gradually I am learning to die to self. I picked up my pen and continued this book. I finished and shared it with my husband. I was looking for every excuse not to publish this story. He said to me, “If God asks you to do this, you need to, and I will support you.”

I had someone in mind for the foreword, but the Lord told me it had to be my mom. Boy, I was scared because I didn’t know how she would receive it. She knows the story, and she helped me walk through forgiveness but writing it in a book, I knew she would never approve, but all God wanted me to do was obey.

I ignored Papa and reached out to this person I had in mind; she said she would be honoured to write the foreword. I was expecting her article when she sent me a mail to send my number that she would love to call me; she called as promised and gave me the shocking news. She said she was struggling to write a foreword. She said she was not getting the urge to go ahead. She apologized, and right there, I knew God had set me up.

After weeks of struggling, I sent the manuscript to my mom. She called back and asked me why I was writing this book. She said she would pray about it and get back. Some days later, she sent the foreword, prayed with me, and encouraged me. That was the biggest sign I needed to get this vision running.

Identity crisis

Today, the vision is alive. Identity crisis is ready! This book is beyond me, so I need you to help me read it, review and share it with others. It is my story of abuse and addiction. It is a tale of pain and hope, but I know it carries the answer to the questions in the heart of many people.

It is available in hard and soft copies. The Soft copy goes for 1,200, click here to get your copy, and the hard copy goes for N2,500. You can get your copy here. If you are outside Nigeria, not to worry, it is available on Amazon. Identity crisis is not just my story, it is a vision, and with your help, we can keep this vision alive.

If you have any questions or reviews, you can email me at Nakedwithonome@gmail.com.

MY PREGNANCY JOURNAL: MONTH 9

Finally, we are close to the end of the race. This month came with joy and nervousness. Joy because I was going to see and hold this beautiful human growing inside of me and nervousness because do I even know how to take care of a baby? I mean, I was still clueless about so many things.

My due date was getting closer, and I found myself panicking. I had this extra energy I can’t explain. I would clean the house and cook without stress. My husband would tell me to go and rest, but no o the energy was high. The one thing I hated about the third trimester was that you would urinate every minute. I hated when I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee.

I looked forward to carrying my bundle of joy, the movements had reduced, but I could still feel my baby. My due date was April 8, but the doctors wanted to work with April 6. I was due for surgery on April 6, but our baby had other plans. I started having contractions on April 4, and I thought it was normal stomach pain.

I tried using the restroom, but nothing came out; by the middle of the night, it became intense and closer. I had it for about 1-hour interval; by 6 am, it was about 30 minutes. I had to wake my husband up at this time because I was in severe pain, it felt like menstrual cramps, but it was intense.

I called my friend Damilola and explained how I felt, and she shouted, “you are in labour; go to the hospital”. I called my midwife, who told me to pack my bags and start coming. I was in labour, but I was scared, so you mean I will be a mommy today.

We got to the hospital around 7:30. My midwife had called my gynaecologist to tell him that I was in labour, so we met him at the hospital waiting for me. He checked the baby’s heartbeat and told me they would start getting me prepped for surgery.

I’ve read a lot about CS, but I was still scared. I kept praying under my breath, and mind you; I was still in intense labour pain. The gynae told me he couldn’t give me any medication for the pain because it could affect the baby.

They took me to my ward, and the theatre nurse came in to get me prepped up. I was moved into the theatre, and the anesthesiologist gave me a spinal epidural to numb the pain for the surgery. The surgery started, and the anesthesiologist, God bless his heart, was so lovely. He kept telling me different stories to distract me and keep me calm.

At 9:40 am on April 5, our miracle baby Reyna Oluwafifehanmi Enierioluwa made her way into the world. She was so pretty and perfect, I was so weak, but all I wanted to do was cry. When the nurse brought her to me, I was filled with many emotions. This little girl is mine. I just co-created with God, and it’s so beautiful. Her birth was a testimony. She came like a warrior and brought smiles to our faces.

After they took my baby away and tried to stitch me up, they realized my blood pressure was dropping, and I couldn’t breathe normally, so the anesthesiologist put me on oxygen. I had also lost a lot of blood, so they had to give me two pants of blood.

I knew God had promised that He was with me, so I knew I would not die on that operation table, the doctors did their best, and my blood pressure started returning to normal.

After the surgery, the doctor explained that my baby and I making it alive was a miracle. That was the day I understood what God meant when He told me to call her “Oluwafifehanmi, and he gave my husband, the name “EniEri”.

pregnancy
before the surgery

Oluwafifehanmi means God has shown me love; that theatre experience showed me that God loves me; at that point, when I was struggling to breathe, I didn’t even know what was going on, but God loves me. Enieri means the one of testimony, and this child is a testimony because God preserved her.

I was in the hospital for about five days because the doctors discovered I had a bladder wound when they were stitching me up, and they needed it to heal. I can tell you for free that God is faithful, and when He gives you a word, it will surely come to pass. I felt every inch of pain, but when I look at that child, I am reminded that indeed God loves me.

Thank you for showing up every day to read this journal. It means a lot to me. Thank you for sharing and your beautiful comments. I started this journal because I was bored, but I’m so glad I did because these memories are what I will cherish. I hope I made you laugh and made you realize that pregnancy is indeed a beautiful journey.

Dear pregnant woman, please take it easy on yourself. Your journey is not everybody’s own. You are different, so block out the noise and pick your strength in God. There is no award for suffer head, so take it easy and enjoy this phase. Please, if you need someone to talk to, I am just a message away. I promise to make you laugh.

To every TTC woman, momma, you are strong, and you are not a failure. God will come through for you, and you will testify.

It’s been a beautiful journey with you. Thank you!

I love you!

Onome.

MY PREGNANCY JOURNAL: MONTH 8

Hello, Month 8; you didn’t tell me you were coming with your own stress. I thought we agreed on no more stress. This month has to be one stressful but exciting month. By this time, I was already heavy and looking like a balloon. My bump was bigger. I love the part where a lot of people treated me with kindness, I didn’t have to stand in the queue when I needed to get things done, but please, I hate the “Iya ibeji” who told you I want to have twins (I’m rolling my eyes at this point).

My baby grew bigger, which means the movement was reduced, but I still looked forward to the tiny kicks and movements. I journaled more and wrote letters to my baby each day I had the chance. Shortness of breath was the issue here, fam; bending down became a chore, and cooking wasn’t as fun as it used to be.

My husband was always ready to help; all I had to do was ask. I also love the fact that I could use pregnancy to escape anything, especially when he needs me to do something for him, lol. He was always covering me in prayer, I would wake up in the morning, and I could feel his hand on my stomach praying for the baby, and after that, he touches my head to pray for me. Hearing him pray for me always made me feel special. The truth was that we carried this pregnancy together.

I continued my antenatal, and I was already tired of going for the thing by this time. My doctor and nurses were far too kind. They were always encouraging and smiling. I almost forgot to tell you; they always gave us biscuits and milk every antenatal session.

The thing with month 8 is that you are close to the journey’s end, so you can’t wait. I was always doing countdowns because mehn I was tired already. I also intentionally chose not to satisfy my cravings. I was craving ice cream every day, but I never yielded to the temptation, so I resolved to take fruit and natural juices. Pregnancy will humble you because, on a normal day, I was the chairlady of taking sweet things.

My husband also played a significant role because he would always beg me not to indulge my cravings. After all, having a big baby is work, lol. Shoutout to every pregnant woman. This journey is filled with so many experiences.

The highlight of month 8 was my friends coming together to throw a baby shower. I didn’t see it coming. My husband told me he wanted to take me out that weekend, I was wondering what was going on, and the reason is this we are both home buddies; we would rather order our food and bring the restaurant experience home. We rarely go out, so when he said he wanted us to go out, I was shocked but at the same time happy.

My surprise baby shower

I dressed up, and we headed out that Saturday morning only to get to the restaurant, and I heard surprise. These ladies really went over and beyond. I had a good time; we laughed, danced, played games, prayed and ate. I know you guys will read this, so I am saying thank you for making that huge sacrifice. I felt so loved. They even dragged my sister Jumoke from her father’s house in Kwara to come. It was such a beautiful day. Y’all are the best sisters!

I started packing my hospital bag this month. You can say I’m not serious. Packing that bag with my husband was so interesting because this is the real reminder on our faces we are going to be parents!

This month, I had a talk with my gynaecologist about my birthing options. He did a background check and sent me for a scan to check the baby’s weight and position. He advised me to go for a caesarian operation because I have done surgery before. I went home to discuss it with my husband, and I remember him giving me a big hug and he said, “all that matters is a healthy mother and baby, whatever means it will take, just know that Jesus will be glorified”. I was so relieved after he said those words.

I don’t have a problem with CS, but a part of me wanted a virginal birth. I remember the Holy Spirit asking me why and I realized it was all because I wanted to share the story and take all the glory. I spoke with a few friends who had done CS, and those women made me feel so safe. At the end of the day, Jesus was indeed glorified. I am so grateful I chose to go for CS! Before I continue, let me say this, please resist the urge to ask people after they gave birth what way the baby came out. Whether CS or virginal delivery, there is nothing easy about it. It takes a lot to birth a child. All that matters is the mother and child coming out alive and healthy. I want to say well done to every mother! This journey humbled me.

My journey is rounding up, and it’s time to take you on the final journey and month. Let’s see how month 9 went down.

MY PREGNANCY JOURNAL: MONTH 7

Hello, third trimester, finally oooo. I was so excited to enter the third trimester. I remembered the day my app said I was in the third trimester. I was so happy. Pregnancy feels long, so the third trimester feels like the hope that it’s all ending.

Nobody warned me about its challenges. I felt so tired easily, and I had shortness of breath every time I was stressed. Standing for too long became harder, so I had to sit down to do chores and other things which I did not like.

My baby was frequently moving, and it was so beautiful to feel those kicks and movements. Every day I am amazed at the beautiful creation growing in my womb, but at the same time, I wonder if I am ready.

Antenatal was going on smoothly. It was now once in 2 weeks. I enjoyed every session but let’s not lie. Can we sha bring out this baby because it looks so long? I could not take up many gigs because I got tired easily, and for someone who was always working, I was forced to take a break, and that kinda sucks.

This is the part where I would advise you to get a journal and write your experiences because the truth is doing nothing can make you feel like you are not doing enough; because that was how I felt. I would get so frustrated, but I learned that pregnancy and motherhood are a gift.

I enjoyed writing letters to my baby, and also, writing this blog post made me feel like I was doing something. I think my husband deserves a whole post because he made sure I stayed sane this season. He was very busy with his office, but he will always come and check on me every hour.

What really got me frustrated was that I wasn’t making more money like I would when I was not pregnant. God taught me a lot this season. I learned that he is my source, and I can never lack with him. Month 7 was intense because I got weak easily, but errhm, Month 8 is waiting for me. Pregnancy is indeed a journey.

February 2022

I had my maternity photoshoot this month, and it was so much fun. My friend Korede who took the pictures, was so patient and kind. You can check him on Instagram; he is @upfront studios. When it comes to giving you the perfect memorable pictures, he is your best bet.

Before I end month 7, let me tell you a little about the power of confessions. I started confessing the word of God and His promises to me around month 4, but I wish I had started earlier. The word works, I searched for scriptures with the help of my friend Damilola aka my Elizabeth and my husband, and we came up with a rich confession that I said every morning. This confession strengthened my faith, and I also got some books with pregnancy confessions that helped me and gave me hope on so many days.

I also made a conscious effort to pay to what I watch and listen to. The truth is these things have a way of affecting your thought. Youtube was my favourite place. I watched a lot of positive birth stories, which gave me strength and hope. My favourite YouTubers on this pregnancy journey are Tomike Adeoye, Sisi Yemmie, Tolulope solutions, AyopeTV, Kelechi Mgbemena, Akah and Claire, Chisom Daveed and Tonia Godwin. I’m grateful to these women who chose to share their raw experiences. I learnt a lot about pregnancy, labour and life after delivery from these women.

I hope you still have your juice bottle because tomorrow, I will be sharing all that went down In month 8.

MY PREGNANCY JOURNAL: MONTH 6

I’m so excited, y’all; we are almost getting there. This is the month that made me realize pregnancy is so long; it felt like the calendar was so slow. My baby’s movement increased, and sleep became a big deal. If I get four or five hours of sleep, that is a testimony. I would roll all night and watch my husband sleep soundly; I was always jealous, like how can you sleep so soundly in a few minutes, and I’m struggling to get some sleep.

pregnancy
January 2022 (Month 6)

I was getting tired already and just wanted the pregnancy journey to end. It was harder because I wasn’t getting writing gigs, and I couldn’t apply for a full-time job because I was pregnant. I felt so useless for days, I would complain to my husband every day, and he would assure me that I would get the big break. I am not used to doing nothing, so waking up in the morning and having just one gig felt like I was sinking. I remember talking to my friend Dami aka my Elizabeth, and she said to me, “Onome, motherhood is a purpose on its own; why not enjoy this phase and allow God to lead you”. Those words stayed with me, and I decided to start journaling.

I wrote letters to my baby each day and fam; it was soothing.

How did I forget to tell you about my church conference (SMH)? Wafbec was the highlight of month 6 (Wafbec is the acronym for West African believers convention. The Covenant Christian centre organized it. It was usually a 7-day programme with morning, afternoon and evening sessions.) Wafbec 2022 was such a spiritual awakening that gave me an assurance that God has not forgotten me.

January 2022 (Month 6)

How come nobody ever told me about feeling so hot? It’s like my body generated heat. I had to be in front of the fan every minute. It was not funny. I hated that I was sweating a lot, so I was itching my body every minute. There was nothing fun about that.

Another crazy symptom that showed up in month 6 was haemorrhoids. I had this before getting pregnant, but it doubled in size and became painful during pregnancy. There was a time I couldn’t use the restroom for about four days, I had the urge to, but I just couldn’t. I prayed and hoped for a miracle, but nothing happened. It was so painful each time I tried, so I reported it to my gynaecologist. He told me he couldn’t give me stool softeners because they could cause a contraction, so he had to do a rectal examination, which was about 20 minutes of pain. By the time he was done, I felt like using the restroom, and it all came out. Phew! The relief and joy, never have I been happier to use the restroom.

Pregnancy is an unfamiliar journey that takes a lot of resilience and strength; it’s also beautiful to know that a whole human being is growing in you. If you are pregnant, take it easy on yourself and don’t forget to ask for help when you need it.

Let’s meet tomorrow as I tell you all about Month 7. Thank you for being here.